Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
