Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
