In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Randomize
