I think my vagina is haunted
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
