She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
