I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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