I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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