you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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