The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
