Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
