I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
