You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
