Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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