You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
