Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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