did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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