Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
