I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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