can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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