I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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