Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
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