I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
