im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
