Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The air was thick with penises
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
