I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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