I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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