All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
