Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hippo gnu deer
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I still have a little drunk in my system
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
