And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
