My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
