$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
