I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So here I am, sexting at work.
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