shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
