My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
