Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
