Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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