Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is wine microwaveable?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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