party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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