so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
