dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
