Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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