the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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