I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I could fuck to npr.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
