Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
zippers are such a cool invention
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
