Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
