My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
