I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
