You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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