Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
