I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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