I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
