you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I forget how to act sober
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
