Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
