I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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