girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
