Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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