I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
