i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
