My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
