he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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