meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
