I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
