i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
