: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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