i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
